a wrong + a wrong

Hey all. It’s not every day but now and again I get reminded of how really horrible I can be. Not in the over arching “Hey! He’s an ass!” sort of way but in the day to day “what an ass” sort of way. Okay here it goes, my little lame story.

Step 1: A pretty good morning. I slept in and got to watch some cartoons.
Step 2: Go to school, work on painting. I got most of it done. But being a fool I forget to bring a lunch.
Step 3: Get ready to go home, hungry and tired.
Step 4: Get to train station. Want food. Starbucks and Quinzo’s closed at 3. At three?!
Step 5: (Where things get interesting) Go to local doughnut shop. Want coffee and doughnut. Come up 5 cents short. (here come’s the first one) I don’t cancel out the coffee. So the lady decides to swallow the nickle. But she says to me, “This is a lot of money. I don’t count the pennies.” I feel guilty.
Step 6: I step outside and ask someone for a nickle. She says that she only has a dime. She then asks what I want the nickle for. I tell the truth. She asks where her payback comes from. She implies, “Why am I paying for your mistake?” And excellent question. I have no answer, and commit wrong number two.
Step 7: Wallow in self pity on train ride home and harbor some bitterness for the only person who tried to help. (wrong #3)

Conclusion: Wrong + wrong + wrong = very wrong.

Why does this bother me so? Because I expect more of myself. Also this is the kind of action that comes from the people I despise … and naturally I despise in myself. People wonder why I am self abusive. Well that leads into wrong #4 – I’m selfish and arrogant … which also makes #5. No. I’m not trying to itemize my sins. That would take much too long. But I am noticing a disturbing trend in my behavior. I don’t like it … not at all. It makes it hard to look myself in the eye. The worst part is that the ego abuse is just a perveted form of ego stroking. I still end up focused on myself. I still end up looking and feeling like an ass.

I have tried to make a concerted effort to avoid being an ass. But the more I try … the less I succeed. Well at least that’s how it seems sometimes. Or maybe I’m just too tired for my own good. Meh!

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