In My Head … Alone With My Thoughts

Be warned. This post will have word and images that are derogatory to myself. If it makes you angry … skip it and read another day.

Welcome to another episode of WTF Were You Thinking. I’m your host Frontal Lobe. Our guest today is a strange case even for us. Caleb, tell us a little about this.

Caleb: Well Front. May I call you Front?

Front: If it will help.

Caleb: Well there’s not much to say. I seek to negate my existence.

Front: Isn’t that logically impossible?

Caleb: Well technically yes. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. See the way I look at it someone must win and someone must lose. If that is the balance then I can statistically improve the chance of winning for someone else if I lose.

Front: Uh ..

Caleb: Stay with me. If I were to get into a fight and were to actively lose, then their probability of winning would increase. Right?

Front: Well … There has to be a violation of logic here somewhere.

Caleb: That’s what makes it so great. There isn’t a logical flaw. Because if I fight to lose and they fight to win then by definition their chance of winning increases.

Front: But that doesn’t seem right ….

Caleb: *shrug* Meh. It’s something of a gray area. I often have a weird little fantasy about getting into a fight and getting the s~t beat out of me. I mean to the point that I can’t see, can’t move and I am having trouble breathing. Beaten to the point of having no feeling but the pain. It is astonishingly refreshing. I have also thought of not fighting at all but of just beating the s~t out of myself. Just me myself and my warped imagination coming up with new ways to inflict pain on myself.

Front: You mean suicide?

Caleb: No no. I couldn’t commit suicide. It’s messy and I don’t have the guts to do it. My goal is not to end my life but to remove it from circulation. Annihilation of self. Besides if one removes oneself from the population does that person still matter? Do they even count as a person anymore? Should they be ‘put out of their misery’? Is it even misery if it is chosen?

Front: That is the most f~ked up logic I have ever heard!

Caleb: *shrug* Meh.

Front: You have a problem friend.

Caleb: Would I be on this show if I didn’t have a problem?

Front: How the hell did you get past the screeners? They are supposed to keep people like you off the stage and into therapy.

Caleb: Aw. They thought it’d be fun. Besides. How often do you really get people who fit the title of “WTF Were You Thinking?”

Front: Normally we just have people who have done stupid things.

Caleb: And I’m not stupid?

Front: Oddly enough … no. You have a calculated means to your self destruction.

Caleb: I prefer desolation. It sounds better.

Front: Okay folks. That’s all the time we have for today-

Caleb: But I haven’t even gotten to my self image!

Front: We’re done!

— End transmission —

This has been fictional … but only mostly. It’s reason number … uh thousand something why I should not be alone with my thoughts … and why driving alone can be … interesting. Gives one lots of time to think. Welcome to my warped world. Step one is admiting you have a problem right? Well … I have never heard what step two is … Hm… maybe that’s partly why I’m as messed up as I am today.

I don’t suffer from depression … enjoy ever minute of it. I’m sure all of you reading, all two of you … since I can’t count myself since I write this drivel, are wondering what is wrong with me. I would tell you … but I’m not sure myself. One might say self esteem but how does one lose something that you’re not sure you had in the first place? Feelings of depression and isolation are natural … maybe I’m just on my cycle. I seem to have one. Junior year of HS is, upon reflection the first time I remember any symptoms, then my year at Academy of Art is number two … that’s about … four to five years and now I’m … hm … it’s only been three years since the last lapse. Not sure what that means.

I am sure that my girl friend is worried about me. Don’t worry, please. I am really okay. Well mostly okay. I’m not going anywhere. Like I said I am not about to commit suicide. If I was really going to do that … I’d have done it already. Since the time at the Academy was my lowest point yet. This moment will pass. Will I be happy again? I am. I just slip a little some days. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t want to hurt you. And I know this worries you … which hurts you … which makes me feel guilty. I guess that’s why I have tried to avoid this sort of situation in my life. I want to love and be loved … but I don’t know how … I only understand how to destroy. I’ve gotten really good at it too. But then again I’ve been at it for several years. No, that doesn’t make it right. Now I am in a situation where my passage of self desolation is now affecting others. Not that others weren’t affected before but I was able to keep almost all if it too myself. My little hole against the world. It may be a dark, dank, smelly, pathetic little hole … but it does keep me in relative safety. If nothing else it is familar. Boys seek familiarity … even if it is hurtful. When you read Rasing Cain[amazon.com] this may become more clear. Actually I’m looking forward to loaning you that book. I’m very interested in your views on it.

Well this post is long and pathetic. I’ll stop now and spare you all the pain of reading this.