Yay! I Am Not Hated!

Because my girlfriend is wonderful. Because my girlfriend is amazing. Because my girlfriend loves me. Because my girl friend forgives me. Because my girlfriend is possibly one of the most amazing people on the planet … I am not feeling the hate. Nope. I’m feeling the warm, tingly sensation of wuv. Twue wuv. A dweam with in a dweam.

But seriously, she really helped me alay my fears and feelings that I’ve been having the past few days. ::sigh:: She is so much more than I deserve. She would argue that point but seriously she is amazingly good to me. So good to me it sometimes (like recently) makes me feel ashamed. I worry. I fret. And ultimately learn that most of it was wasted energy. It is something that I am really not used to, things going this well. I like it. But it feels … sorta weird. Almost like you’re looking around for the firecracker in the cigar. Or for the curtain to raise up and reveal that it was all a big reality TV show hoax. ::ponders the last one:: Hm. That one would take some time … and probably even some therapy to get over. But it’s not now. And I have very good reason to believe that it is not going to be. ::looks to heaven:: Thank you. ::looks at girlfriend:: Thank you. ::looks around:: You all are wonderful. Heh. I’m feeling pretty good right about now. It’s … kinda nice … weird. But nice! ::huggggggggggggggggggggggggggs:: Yay. Have a great day all. Best of luck on all your finals.

How to be an A-hole in 3 Steps … or less.

[Listening to: Stalker Goes To Babylon – Furi Kuri OST1 (the pillows) – Furi Kuri OST 1: Addict (4:04)]

Last night my girlfriend took me to go see LIttle Shop of Horrors in SF. Well technically her mom took us, since she bought the tickets. Her sister and her sister’s fiance were participants and transportation. Major thanks to all of you.

But what does that have to do with being an A~ hole? An astonishing amount. I guess I had better get this out of my system since it’s been eating at me all day.

  1. Create a situation that will generate lots of stress.

    Like having 2 full papers and 2 revisions and 20 some odd paintings due all next week. Oh and let us not forget having an animation due too. Now it is important that all the stress be your own fault. This is key, espeically if you want to be kicking your own a~ for the next day or so over it.

  2. Reproduce the same attitudes that you find in others and hate.

    This where things begin to get good. It also important to not skimp here, it is one of the key ingredients, but flavor to taste.

  3. Unleash unholy angsty doom upon your loving, caring and innoccent girlfriend!

    This is the denumant. Although if you don’t have a girlfriend find someone you really care about and do it to them. The effect is similar.

Yep. He’s an a~hol-l-l-l-y-o. A – S – S – H – O – L – E All together now, lets sing our favorite Dennis Leary song! What? Why aren’t you singing? You don’t believe me? Well it’s true. I accomplished the effect … a little too well.

It doesn’t help that I suffer from my own form of social anxiety and tend to feel like an outsider. What makes me so very differnt from the fiance? Not much other than he’s been there for awhile and well yeh he’s all familar and stuff. Okay so it’s not a good excuse … never said it was. ::sigh:: ::hums the A~ Hole song:: I know that I shouldn’t be so stressed by this, but I can’t help it. I should know better than that. I hate it when it gets used on me … so why do I use it on others? I guess misery loves company. And in a rather twisted way it would support my self loathing thesis. Mess it up bad enough that they leave … and you’re right. You are a worthless POS who deserves to be dried out and tossed into a fire pit somewhere where he’ll be put to a worthy cause, like keeping someone else from freezing … oh and removing one more a~hole from the world.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “WTF is wrong with you! That is not how it is at all. Everything you just said was wrong.” well yeh. I mean if your lens is tainted, scratched and scared up can it be expcted to go any other way? This is the reason why depression is such a pain in the butt to cure. Once they get well enough to be almost productive they are still quietly undoing all the progress they made in therapy. Although that’s just a guess, I’ve never been to a counselor. But if the pattern I follow is anything like anyone else then I can understand why psychatrists would really balk at having to treat depression. Also statisticlly when the patient is on the way to recovery they are often more prone to suicde, which is why they were tying to avoid in the first palce. Ironic, no?

Again thankyou to everyone for the evening yesterday. I just hope I wasn’t too much of jerk. Over all it was fun. Thank you. ::hugggggggggggggs::

::sigh::

Is it possible to be with someone all day … well most of the day but the moment you leave still feel the unassable urge to run back to their warm inviting arms? To once again enjoy the simple comfort of being held and of holding. And … maybe swap a kiss … or two … or many. =^_^= *ahem* Well to quote Tevye, “If that is a curse … then may God smite me. And may I never recover!”

In My Head … Alone With My Thoughts

Be warned. This post will have word and images that are derogatory to myself. If it makes you angry … skip it and read another day.

Welcome to another episode of WTF Were You Thinking. I’m your host Frontal Lobe. Our guest today is a strange case even for us. Caleb, tell us a little about this.

Caleb: Well Front. May I call you Front?

Front: If it will help.

Caleb: Well there’s not much to say. I seek to negate my existence.

Front: Isn’t that logically impossible?

Caleb: Well technically yes. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. See the way I look at it someone must win and someone must lose. If that is the balance then I can statistically improve the chance of winning for someone else if I lose.

Front: Uh ..

Caleb: Stay with me. If I were to get into a fight and were to actively lose, then their probability of winning would increase. Right?

Front: Well … There has to be a violation of logic here somewhere.

Caleb: That’s what makes it so great. There isn’t a logical flaw. Because if I fight to lose and they fight to win then by definition their chance of winning increases.

Front: But that doesn’t seem right ….

Caleb: *shrug* Meh. It’s something of a gray area. I often have a weird little fantasy about getting into a fight and getting the s~t beat out of me. I mean to the point that I can’t see, can’t move and I am having trouble breathing. Beaten to the point of having no feeling but the pain. It is astonishingly refreshing. I have also thought of not fighting at all but of just beating the s~t out of myself. Just me myself and my warped imagination coming up with new ways to inflict pain on myself.

Front: You mean suicide?

Caleb: No no. I couldn’t commit suicide. It’s messy and I don’t have the guts to do it. My goal is not to end my life but to remove it from circulation. Annihilation of self. Besides if one removes oneself from the population does that person still matter? Do they even count as a person anymore? Should they be ‘put out of their misery’? Is it even misery if it is chosen?

Front: That is the most f~ked up logic I have ever heard!

Caleb: *shrug* Meh.

Front: You have a problem friend.

Caleb: Would I be on this show if I didn’t have a problem?

Front: How the hell did you get past the screeners? They are supposed to keep people like you off the stage and into therapy.

Caleb: Aw. They thought it’d be fun. Besides. How often do you really get people who fit the title of “WTF Were You Thinking?”

Front: Normally we just have people who have done stupid things.

Caleb: And I’m not stupid?

Front: Oddly enough … no. You have a calculated means to your self destruction.

Caleb: I prefer desolation. It sounds better.

Front: Okay folks. That’s all the time we have for today-

Caleb: But I haven’t even gotten to my self image!

Front: We’re done!

— End transmission —

This has been fictional … but only mostly. It’s reason number … uh thousand something why I should not be alone with my thoughts … and why driving alone can be … interesting. Gives one lots of time to think. Welcome to my warped world. Step one is admiting you have a problem right? Well … I have never heard what step two is … Hm… maybe that’s partly why I’m as messed up as I am today.

I don’t suffer from depression … enjoy ever minute of it. I’m sure all of you reading, all two of you … since I can’t count myself since I write this drivel, are wondering what is wrong with me. I would tell you … but I’m not sure myself. One might say self esteem but how does one lose something that you’re not sure you had in the first place? Feelings of depression and isolation are natural … maybe I’m just on my cycle. I seem to have one. Junior year of HS is, upon reflection the first time I remember any symptoms, then my year at Academy of Art is number two … that’s about … four to five years and now I’m … hm … it’s only been three years since the last lapse. Not sure what that means.

I am sure that my girl friend is worried about me. Don’t worry, please. I am really okay. Well mostly okay. I’m not going anywhere. Like I said I am not about to commit suicide. If I was really going to do that … I’d have done it already. Since the time at the Academy was my lowest point yet. This moment will pass. Will I be happy again? I am. I just slip a little some days. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t want to hurt you. And I know this worries you … which hurts you … which makes me feel guilty. I guess that’s why I have tried to avoid this sort of situation in my life. I want to love and be loved … but I don’t know how … I only understand how to destroy. I’ve gotten really good at it too. But then again I’ve been at it for several years. No, that doesn’t make it right. Now I am in a situation where my passage of self desolation is now affecting others. Not that others weren’t affected before but I was able to keep almost all if it too myself. My little hole against the world. It may be a dark, dank, smelly, pathetic little hole … but it does keep me in relative safety. If nothing else it is familar. Boys seek familiarity … even if it is hurtful. When you read Rasing Cain[amazon.com] this may become more clear. Actually I’m looking forward to loaning you that book. I’m very interested in your views on it.

Well this post is long and pathetic. I’ll stop now and spare you all the pain of reading this.

Good Times

I got to spend four, count them, 4 days with my lovely girlfriend this week. ^__________________________^ Which is always a good thing since this semester we haven’t had nearly enough time together. ::sigh:: Sorry about that. I’m also sorry that I have been remiss in keeping this thing up to date. I get home and basically crash. Blah. I am real-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ly looking forward to the end of this semester.

I enjoy spending so much time with my lady. I wish I could do it more often. I like getting inside her head, understanding what she’s thinking. Also, next time you come over, Lady, I’m not going to let you get away with “not much” as an answer to “What’cha thinking?” Fair warning. Besides I want you to feel safe to tell me anything … even if it means waking me up to do it. Because you are worth it. I guess we’re both getting used to having someone care about us that much.

That said tonight was really great. We went for a long walk and had a nice chat. Although it felt like I was doing most of the talking … and was being rather a downer. But please don’t ‘worry’ about me. I’ll be okay. My forward motion looks more like really horrible stop motion animation but over time I will take steps. As halting and faltering as they may be. Still it was a pleasant night out and it was nice to talk to her, as always. I look forward to doing it again.

Well it’s been fun but I have morning shift tomorrow. Take care, all.

Almost … there … just a couple more weeks …

[Listening to: Chap Stick, Chapped Lips, And Things Like Chemistry – Relient K – Two Lefts Don’t Make A Right …But Three Do (3:10)]

School is winding down. Thank goodness … but that also means that the stress is going up. Thankfully this time I have a nice simple idea for my final painting. It is only one panel. I still need to run the idea by my painting teacher to see what she thinks. But if all goes well it will be nice and simple. What a relief.

This has been a pretty good couple of days. I got to be with My Lady two days in a row! w00t! We went to The Incredibles last night. It is such a good movie. Everyone needs to go see it. Comic book history buffs should get a kick out of the powers. The design work is beautiful! Really really well done, beginning to end.

Now I’m writing a POS English paper. Blah.

Comments work!

Hurray! The Blogger support people rock. I submit a problem and they fixed it. In like a day or two. Sweet deal! Thanks Steve, he’s the guy who signed the e-mail telling me that everything was groovy. So now that they are up. Feel free to tell me what you think … if you think anything of my items.

Ya know … now that commenting is working I may even write a few things that are about discussion or Q & A. Well that remains in the future. Feel free to drop me a comment. I check my blogs almost every night.

Take care all.